For some time now, ‘the holidays’ have not been a time that I enjoy. Partially due to the celebration of consumerism and the cultural assumption that it is time to collect and distribute more things that we don’t need. Maybe it is the stigma associated with admitting that this whole practice doesn’t appeal to me.
Mostly though, this time of year makes me feel extra lonely.
It is hitting me particularly hard this year. I think this is because I’ve put a fair amount of time and energy into myself this year, trying to exercise those hidden bits that make me unhappy. I’ve made a good deal of progress. The funny thing about making this kind of progress is that there is often a bigger challenge around the corner.
Right now, I find myself struggling a lot with situations in which what I feel is right conflicts with what I think is right. It is every bit as confusing as it sounds.
I believe it has its root in something that comes back to haunt me in a number of ways. Basically, something in me still feels that I don’t deserve to be loved on my own basic merits, so I try to earn it by being useful.
The idea of breaking a promise or being less than impeccable with my word fills me with a near paralyzing dread. This becomes a bigger problem because I’m also a bit of a pushover. I have a hard time saying no. I might express concerns about something or even say that I don’t want to do it, but then cave into pressure. I then feel trapped, because I said I would.
I believe this is why I sometimes feel anxiety about making plans in the first place, something in me equates it with being trapped.
I don’t like admitting this as it exposes a part of myself that I really don’t like, but I think that I have to name it is step required in letting it go.
So, there we are.
blessed be
rangergrayfox 