On purpose and ignoring what’s right in front of me

I’ve been trying to find my path forward.

Instinctively, I know that this is about finding my passion and purpose. I’ve been struggling with this for some time now.

My closest moments of coming to peace with this have been those in which I quieted my mind enough to explore the idea that it might not be as big a question as I’d like to make it. I once experienced a moment of truth that told me that maybe my purpose is simply to be a bright spot in the day for each person with whom I interact. My ego wants to reject this, because I want it to be something more complex, more grand. There is also the fact that this would require me to own all the ways in which I’ve failed at this so far.

As I try to heal, I keep arriving at the same truth. My greatest struggle is and always has been lonliness. I have a desparate need to feel connected. I’ve spent a good portion of my life seeking a place where I fit, someplace I can call home. My most devastating expreiences were those in which one of those places proved not to be what I hoped.

I’ve been spending more time on this and pushing myself harder to see what I need to see. This morning, I had one of those moments in which truth, like a freight train, plowed into me from the side.

The message is basically that I need to stop dismissing the simple truth that’s been sent over and over. That simple truth speaks directly to the thing I’ve been searching for all along.

I need connection. People need to feel loved. Maybe it is time to translate that bright spot from my truth to ‘beacon of love’. If I can become a channel through which everyone can be reminded that they are enough, that they matter, that someone cares, not only will I be filling my purpose, it would be difficult for those connections I seek not to start forming.

Of course this means truly bearing down a fear that’s driven the narrative for most of my story so far. I’m utterly terrified of what people will do to me if I let my defenses down. It feels funny admitting that thing about the defenses, because I’ve already come a long way in that regard. The me from ten years ago would hardly recognize me today. However, evolving means that there is always more work to be done and this is mine.

May your journeys be successful, may your soul be well cared for, and may we all find our way home.

blessed be

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20170928

Another day of crazy. Not sure what it’s been about the last couple days but it is rapid fire weird things from all directions. People were even making unsolicited comments about how draining the week had been. I assumed it was just me.

Got the broken silly bulb out of the fixture, but it stabbed me in the process. Shocking how much blood can come out of a puncture too small to see. Why do they put these silly candelabra bulbs in fans?

They brought in sonic slushies for everyone at the office this afternoon. That was really good. It helped provide a second wind.

Went for a nice walk, upgraded to an LED bulb, and finished putting a computer back together.

Went dancing and learned a little something new. That was a lot of fun.

20170926

Lots of odds and ends at work.

Replaced the outlet that had a short and was causing the power to fail in the other room. It was very stubborn, put I prevailed. Now, I can plug something in AND have light in the other room.

BRB frustrations as people forget things that have been in place for years.

I went for a nice walk and the sunset was spectacular. This red ray reaching over the mountain and into the sky over a magenta backdrop.

 

20170925

Work went by quickly. Getting closed to having the fiscal year closed. Progress on a couple other things as well.

Went to the therapist today to check in. Once I got started, it became clear that I’m still carrying a lot of guilt and responsibility. Started working on letting go of that.

Had a nice dinner and hung a wind chime for JoAnne.

Went for a walk when I got home. There was a large group of runners arriving at the trail head when I was there. A couple of them were asking questions about the renovation, so I started answering. Even while speaking, I was thinking, ‘this isn’t something I would normally do’. I’m changing!

20170924

Did some chores before service. Enjoyed service and had a few good conversations. Ran errands on the way home. Did some yard work and went for a short hike. Had a couple people over for Tarot talk. It was a really great experience. Looking forward to the next round.

20170923

Started slowly, did some reading and then cleaned floors.

Did some BRB work, then trimmed some more off the neighbors tree. It is very satisfying getting piece by piece away from my house.

Went for a nice hike. I haven’t ventured back to Hidden Valley for a while, so it was nice to go through there again. They’ve fenced off more of the area around my trail access as they proceed with the digging for the sewer line. I identified an alternate path for entry when they actually start digging at my access point.

Went to David’s presentation about the polar bears in Churchill Manitoba. It was a great thing to see and a really fun night overall. The night ended up an unexpected conversation. It was really great.

20170922

Slow start today. The big thing for the day is the launch of another vendor created web site. So much buildup and expectation for disaster.  It ended up being pretty anticlimactic.

A coworker invited me to join a few of them for happy hour. It ended up being at a place that was about a mile from my other house. I’ve been there many times. That was funny.

Picked up the fan for the zen room afterward.

Did some BRB work after getting home.

Went for a nice walk at sunset.