It occurred to me that I haven’t been on this site in ages. It is funny how I was posting something in gratitude every day and then my life started getting so great (house I always wanted became available, fantastic relationship) and then I forgot to be grateful. Things got a little off track since then. I think it is time to get back to gratitude.
My biggest thing recently is a crushing fear of loss. I thought that I had my biggest fear and challenge settled. I thought that I finally found companionship. When I wake up in the morning and remember that I’m back to start on this, it sparks a panic deep inside of me.
I find it kind of strange that I’ve started writing this and walked away three times so far. I think that some of the things I’ve been using to cope are counterproductive.
Out of curiosity, I started tracking my hikes. The app also posts to facebook. This has triggered several people to ask me why I continue hiking in summer.
In short, I hike because I need to. Hiking is my most successful form of meditation. It provides rare moments when my mind actually becomes quiet. It is also great therapy. The mountain speaks to me.
I was close to total burnout after last week. I’ve hiked four of the past five days and each day I feel a little more like myself.
One thing that I’ve been reminded of is that I put way too much of my identity in my work. This is why I literally worried myself sick over something that wasn’t my fault and no one blamed me for in the first place. I simply couldn’t let go of the fact that something I was involved in turned into a nightmare.
The next question, of course, is what is my identity? I kept drawing a blank on this one.Eventually, it came to me that the reason this question is difficult is that identity isn’t a word or even a mental image. It is a feeling. Namely, true identity is that feeling when we know that everything is as it should be.
The funny part about that is that everything is always as it should be. We tell ourselves stories based on false truths that lead us to believe that things are out of whack. The real truth is that we’re each passing through a temporary world and everything that happens is just another chance to move closer to completion, wholeness, unity.
I just hope that I can get better at holding onto these bits of truth, without the need of constant reminders and difficult lessons. I want more of my automatic thoughts to come from a place of stability, unity, and compassion, rather than fear and reaction.
May your trails and mind be clear.
For some time now, ‘the holidays’ have not been a time that I enjoy. Partially due to the celebration of consumerism and the cultural assumption that it is time to collect and distribute more things that we don’t need. Maybe it is the stigma associated with admitting that this whole practice doesn’t appeal to me.
Mostly though, this time of year makes me feel extra lonely.
It is hitting me particularly hard this year. I think this is because I’ve put a fair amount of time and energy into myself this year, trying to exercise those hidden bits that make me unhappy. I’ve made a good deal of progress. The funny thing about making this kind of progress is that there is often a bigger challenge around the corner.
Right now, I find myself struggling a lot with situations in which what I feel is right conflicts with what I think is right. It is every bit as confusing as it sounds.
I believe it has its root in something that comes back to haunt me in a number of ways. Basically, something in me still feels that I don’t deserve to be loved on my own basic merits, so I try to earn it by being useful.
The idea of breaking a promise or being less than impeccable with my word fills me with a near paralyzing dread. This becomes a bigger problem because I’m also a bit of a pushover. I have a hard time saying no. I might express concerns about something or even say that I don’t want to do it, but then cave into pressure. I then feel trapped, because I said I would.
I believe this is why I sometimes feel anxiety about making plans in the first place, something in me equates it with being trapped.
I don’t like admitting this as it exposes a part of myself that I really don’t like, but I think that I have to name it is step required in letting it go.
So, there we are.
It’s been a hard day, but perhaps the best hard day so far.
Few people who know me today knew the version of me from ten years ago. That me was isolated and lonely. Below that shell was anger, anger that I didn’t even know was there. Anger is tricksy that way. It convinces you that you’re only protecting yourself, preparing for life’s next assault.
I’m still lonely. I suspect that overcoming true, soul-crushing loneliness is always a long term recovery. The difference is that, now, I work every day to overcome my tendency toward isolation. While I still find myself frequently confused by human behavior, I’ve come to accept that this experience is shared by nearly everyone. Most just don’t take it personally.
I’ve been making an effort to enjoy experiences for what they are, rather than comparing the current experience against what was expected or could have been. This too is an uphill battle, but in those moments when it clicks, it is pretty great.
There are these moments, now and then, when I actually notice myself becoming the person I’d like to be. In the quest for more of those moments, I travel on.
May your journey be pleasant, but perilous enough to get you to your true destination.
When I starting writing things here, I assumed that it was just going to be notes to myself. The site only really serving as a means to hold myself accountable. I didn’t use my name and posted a Simpsonized picture.
My posts quickly went from Tarot notes to writing down the things that I would normally just think through while running, or talking to myself. I’ve found it therapeutic. Then, I wrote a thing or two that I liked, things that I wanted to share with a person or two, but didn’t feel comfortable sharing at large. For example, some of what I write here might make some of my Facebook friends uncomfortable.
While meditating on the cards of the Major Arcana, I’ve been consistently reminded of a truth that I know, but always struggle to live. Everything is connected, it is unhealthy to try and partition parts of yourself. Presenting one side of your personality here, another there prevents you from being fully present in any environment.
In parallel, I’m constantly being reminded of the same truth at work. After spending so long in toxic places where I didn’t share anything that wasn’t directly related to the project at hand, I now find that the more I allow people to actually know me, the better it gets.
I also remembered that I’m not that important. Most will never click the links, even if I do share them. Those who do are likely to cut me some slack.
In an effort to get more of my wolds aligned, I’ve added my name and intend to start sharing more.
May it not offend.
Someone asked me a profound question today. What makes you feel loved and appreciated?
I appreciate a heart and soul question when I hear one. Sadly, they are a rare gem in this quick fix, instant gratification world of ours. So, I spent some time with this one.
Here’s what I came up with:
I like physical contact and I don’t get enough of that in this stage of my life. Also, listen. I tend to be the listener for most people. In most of my interactions, I barely say a word. I like listening, so this works out. But, with someone special to me, I will come with things to SAY. These things are not trivial to me. I’ve been saving them. So when I try to tell you a story, let me tell it until it is done. Don’t interrupt, because I assume that means that you don’t want to hear it. (I’ll do my best not to let it show, but when someone I trust enough to share my stories interrupts a lot, it kind of breaks my heart.)
I’ve been meditating on the Tarot Justice this morning. As I set to writing a post on those thoughts, I couldn’t come to any clear narrative. I believe this is because Justice and Wheel of Fortune (last night’s card) are intimately related to another bunch of thoughts that are currently occupying my mind. Part of this is related to the inevitable coming down from the high of a recent epiphany I experienced around relationships, or more specifically my lack of them. As is often the case with me, a key factor in this problem is that I take the whole thing too seriously. I’ve been feeling really good since concluding that the answer is to simply enjoy what comes and be open to what comes next.
While I still firmly believe this to be right and true, what I’m running into now is that I’m still disappointed when I realize that I saw something that wasn’t there, or simply made too much of it. It’s not easy, keeping things easy. The next truth for me to incorporate may be that this too is okay. It may actually be a natural side effect of the fact that I’ve been interacting more. Since I don’t usually do this, it is nice when people respond.
I believe the key here may be for me to continue interacting, accept and appreciate the responses, but desensitize myself a bit to the response. I imagine the only way through this is practice. I’m pleased to report that my usual instinct of sensing failure and retreating back into myself is not really kicking in this time.
Evolution is a messy business.