I’ve been trying to find my path forward.
Instinctively, I know that this is about finding my passion and purpose. I’ve been struggling with this for some time now.
My closest moments of coming to peace with this have been those in which I quieted my mind enough to explore the idea that it might not be as big a question as I’d like to make it. I once experienced a moment of truth that told me that maybe my purpose is simply to be a bright spot in the day for each person with whom I interact. My ego wants to reject this, because I want it to be something more complex, more grand. There is also the fact that this would require me to own all the ways in which I’ve failed at this so far.
As I try to heal, I keep arriving at the same truth. My greatest struggle is and always has been lonliness. I have a desparate need to feel connected. I’ve spent a good portion of my life seeking a place where I fit, someplace I can call home. My most devastating expreiences were those in which one of those places proved not to be what I hoped.
I’ve been spending more time on this and pushing myself harder to see what I need to see. This morning, I had one of those moments in which truth, like a freight train, plowed into me from the side.
The message is basically that I need to stop dismissing the simple truth that’s been sent over and over. That simple truth speaks directly to the thing I’ve been searching for all along.
I need connection. People need to feel loved. Maybe it is time to translate that bright spot from my truth to ‘beacon of love’. If I can become a channel through which everyone can be reminded that they are enough, that they matter, that someone cares, not only will I be filling my purpose, it would be difficult for those connections I seek not to start forming.
Of course this means truly bearing down a fear that’s driven the narrative for most of my story so far. I’m utterly terrified of what people will do to me if I let my defenses down. It feels funny admitting that thing about the defenses, because I’ve already come a long way in that regard. The me from ten years ago would hardly recognize me today. However, evolving means that there is always more work to be done and this is mine.
May your journeys be successful, may your soul be well cared for, and may we all find our way home.